The following script depicts two guys meeting in a bar who find themselves subject to an unexpected and comical situation. It was created as a comedic writing exercise; however, you are welcome to stage it if you would like:
The Bar Trick
By Dominic Richardson
Characters:
Dean Johnson: photographer
Mathew Forester: accountant
Sonya: woman in a bar
Jack: bartender
(Two men are sitting on barstools, one waiting patiently for his drink, and the other not so much…)
Dean
Hey, bartender. What’s taking so long? You stuck back there or something?
Matt
Maybe he’s out of whiskey.
Dean
No way. Phone book said we’re in the best bar in town. Should be stocked with whiskey all the time.
Matt
Maybe we should try to order something else…
Dean
Nonsense! We came all this way for whiskey and that’s what we’ll get, see.
Matt
(calmly) If you say so.
Dean
Bartender!
(pounds counter top)
Matt
I’m sure everything’s okay, he’s just taking his time.
Dean
Why can’t the man just do his job!?!
Matt
(scratches head) What do you mean?
Dean
Tend bar. That’s part of the job description I’m certain. This place needs some bad press. (Reaches for camera) A few good snapshots and this guy won’t be in town for long.
Matt
Hopefully he won’t drop the drinks, that’s all I’m concerned with.
Dean
A slow bartender never drops the drinks. But they don’t make any tips either. Hell, we might not even pay for the whiskey before we leave this joint, eh.
(Matt screams unexpectantly.)
Matt
AH! MY HAND!
Dean
(surprised) What the hell?
Matt
MY HAND! MY HAND!
Dean
What about it ya jerk?
Matt
IT’S SO TIGHT.
Dean
Shhh, calm the hell down. The last thing you wanna do is draw attention to yourself.
Matt
(breathing heavily) Hand spasms. I get them at work all the time-especially today.
Dean
Tuff day in the office, punk?
Matt
You bet. Got tons of calls but none of them were clients. Everyone wanted the phone number to the new department store across the street.
Dean
You mean that new business everybody’s ranting and raving about?
(Matt claps involuntarily.)
Matt
Yeah.
Dean
It’s an H & R Block…your worst nightmare. But you knew that didn’t you?
Matt
I never really looked at their signage.
(Bartender pops up from behind the counter with two drinks.)
Jack
Sorry for the delay, gentlemen. I simply couldn’t locate the whiskey glass snifters. To my surprise they were where I left them last-
Dean
It’s okay, buddy. Just hand over the stuff.
Jack
Sure thing. (slides over two glasses) Enjoy the best in town.
Dean
(alarmed) Whoa, I didn’t order a pink drink.
(Bartender gasps.)
Dean
Pardon me. I’m making every mistake in the book today. This drink belongs to that woman over there.
(Lights up stage left revealing a woman sitting on a bar stool.)
Dean
(looking over) Wow, she’s beautiful!
Jack
Sure, if you like that long legged model type.
Dean
Hey, Matt.
(no response).
Yo, Matty?
Matt
(trembling) ME SO HURTY.
Dean
Calm yourself, eh. You see that gorgeous lady over there? I need a woman like that in my life. I bet she shows up good on film too. She and I could make a hell of a movie together.
(Bartender clears his throat.)
Jack
Go over and make conversation with her, you sly dog! And by the way, call me Jack.
Dean
You got it, Jack.
Jack
(encouraging) Nice to meet you. Now go ahead you love sick puppy.
Matt
WOOF!
(Dean brushes himself off a bit, picks up the pink drink and walks over to the woman stage right; action freezes stage right as the lights dim to black.)
Jack
New around these parks, stranger?
Matt
Sort of. Live about twenty minutes from here or so.
Jack
In which direction?
Matt
Um, er, all of them.
Jack
Are you on the news?
Matt
No. I’m an accountant.
Jack
Okay, maybe you just have one of those faces.
Matt
(confused) Is that a good thing or bad thing?
Jack
A good thing. It’s nice to have a familiar face, it’s easy to feel comfortable with one.
Matt
(checking appearance) Are you comfortable with me right now?
Jack
Yeah, real comfy.
(Lights out stage left. Lights up stage right.)
Dean
Excuse me, love.
Sonya
Hi.
Dean
Hel-lo.
Sonya
Can I help you?
Dean
Well, actually, yes you can.
Sonya
Care to tell me how?
Dean
Sure, love. My buddy and I were sitting over there and we were waiting on the bartender forever. When he finally showed up, he gave me your drink by mistake.
Sonya
So.
Dean
There’s no problem. Just thought you may have wanted your pretty drink.
Sonya
Why? Because it’s pink?
Dean
No. That’s not it at all.
Sonya
Would you like to sit down, mister?
Dean
(smiling) The name’s Dean. And I would really like to sit down.
(Lights out stage right. Lights up stage left.)
Matt
And that’s my story.
Jack
Fascinating but I’m going to need more detail.
Matt
No, I’m a very private person. I don’t tell people everything about me.
Jack
Yeah, so you live a double life?
(unaware of what’s going on) I guess you could say that.
Jack
I’m curious. What’s your shoe size?
(Lights out stage left. Lights up stage right.)
Dean
Anybody ever tell you you’re amazing, babe?
Sonya
It’s Sonya.
Dean
(gazing) Sonya. I like that.
Sonya
(playfully) Really?
Dean
Yeah.
(She smiles)
Sonya, you seeing anyone right now.
Sonya
(calmly)Yes.
Dean
Oh, you must be waiting for him to arrive. Sorry for taking his seat.
Sonya
It’s not a him.
Dean
Sorry for taking her seat.
Sonya
I have a husband. And he’s a jackass.
Dean
I see.
Sonya
No.
Dean
What?
Sonya
You don’t understand.
Dean
What do you mean?
Sonya
My husband doesn’t have to know.
Dean
You mean it?
Sonya
Absolutely. Let’s meet tomorrow.
Dean
Alright, but this is dangerous.
Sonya
That’s why we have to take care of him. Here’s the plan…
(Lights out stage right. Lights up stage left.)
Jack
Listen, I know all about your dirty little secret. The people in your life should know the truth. I’ll see you there tomorrow, and don’t be late. You have to do you-know-what to you-know-who. Got it?
Matt
(affirming) I’ll be there.
(Lights out stage left. Lights up stage right.)
Dean
Sure this will work?
Sonya
Absolutely.
Dean
Okay, see you tomorrow, my love.
Sonya
Goodbye. (reaches for glass) looks like I need another. Oh, bartender!
(Lights out stage right. Lights up on Dean and Matt center stage.)
Matt
(hands trembling.)
I’LL DO IT!
Dean
You’re a class act, buddy, I owe ya big! After this gig we’ll be able to do whatever we want. I’ll have my honey, along with a whole lot of money, see. And you’ll have enough to quit your day job, if that’s what you want.
Matt
I would love to get away from the office. But I’m not sure if I want to do our “gigs” forever.
Dean
Come on, have I ever let you down? Trust me, this will be our last gig. You won’t have to work a day in your life again.
Matt
(reluctantly) I’m in. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
Dean
We’ll meet at noon, you-know-where. And don’t forget to call in sick!
(BLACKOUT.)
(Lights up: Dean and Sonya are sitting on a park bench.)
Sonya
He’ll be here any second.
Dean
Sonya, I don’t know about this.
Sonya
You chicken? Getting cold feet?
Dean
No, this feels awkward.
Sonya
I guess you’ve never done something like this before.
Dean
You’re right. I’ve done a lot of schemes in my day, but nothing like what you’re putting me up to.
Sonya
Do you love me, Dean?
Dean
Yes, I do. I just would rather hang out than be on stake out, that’s all.
Sonya
Don’t worry, precious. My husband will arrive and we’ll take care of him. Just you wait.
Dean
(wearily) Any second now?
Sonya
Any second.
(an unexpected loud noise.)
Dean
What was that?
Sonya
Probably just a squirrel.
Dean
No, too loud to be a squirrel!
Sonya
Relax, sweetheart. You seem tense.
Dean
(loosing it) No worries, I’m tense free.
Sonya
Great. Let the operation carry on.
Dean
Okay.
Sonya
You nervous?
Dean
Of coarse not.
Sonya
Not even just a little bit?
Dean
No.
Sonya
Excellent. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.
(footsteps.)
Dean
Did you hear that, baby? Those ain’t no squirrels!
Sonya
The time has come.
Dean
Okay, honey. We’re in this together.
Sonya
Stand your ground. Don’t reach for the gun too soon.
(Jack enters.)
Jack
Well, what do we have here?
Dean
Hi! Sorry, I-I, was looking for my favorite newspaper when I just so happened to see-
Jack
I don’t need an explanation, sir! I know exactly what’s going on here.
Dean
You do?
Jack
Yes, you’re the pushy guy from the bar yesterday.
Dean
You remembered.
Jack
And you gave the pink drink to the lovely woman standing next to you.
Dean
Right again.
Jack
Did she enjoy it?
Dean
What?
Jack
Did she enjoy the drink?
Dean
(grasping)…I think so. Why don’t you ask her yourself.
(Jack looks him up and down.)
Jack
You seem a little different today. What’s your name?
Dean
The name’s, Dean.
Jack
Tell me, Dean. Do you feel comfortable with me right now?
Dean
(startled) With all due respect, sir-what the hell kinda question is that?
Jack
(seriously) A wise one.
Dean
I don’t know what’s going on here. But I think I know a bust when I see one.
Sonya
(sensing danger) Enough is enough, Jack! I got a little surprise for you.
Jack
For me? I love surprises. What are they, new whiskey glasses?
Sonya
SHUT UP!
Jack
Excuse me.
Sonya
I don’t want to hear it this time. We’re away from the house and I’ve got a surprise. It’s a secret.
Jack
Well, honey. What is it?
Sonya
I am sick and tired of you and your stupid bar. You’re way too flirty with the people that come in there.
Jack
I am?
Sonya
I saw what you were doing yesterday-
Dean
(finding courage) You tell ‘em, baby!
Sonya
You were having such a nice time, you didn’t notice me. What a shame.
Dean
(backing her up) Yeah! The shame!
Sonya
That broke my heart.
Dean
And I picked up the pieces!
Sonya
I hate you.
Dean
You’re history, Jack!
Sonya
But you wanna know what hurts me the most?
Dean
Tell him, baby. Tell his ass.
Sonya
You stepped out on me for another man.
Dean
(flabbergasted) Huh?
Sonya
I saw you with Dean’s friend. You two got awfully close for a first encounter wouldn’t you say?
Dean
(turning) Now, Sonya. You must be mistaken-
Sonya
Tell me. Is it true?
Dean
But Matt has a thing for frizzy haired chicks-
Sonya
Answer me!
(silence)
If that’s the way you want it. (to Dean) Go ahead, darling. Make his day.
Dean
But Sonya-
Sonya
Now!
(Dean draws the gun)
Any last words, Jack.
(No response)
Fine. But I’ve got something to say to you, Jack-
(unexpected loud noise)
What the hell was that?
(Matt enters in a monkey suit)
Matt
(panting) H-A-P-P-Y anniversary everybody! Your best friend has finally arrived. And boy do I have something special for a special somebody here today.
Dean
(lowers weapon) Matt?
Matt
Matt? No thanks, I already took my nap for today.
Sonya
(scurring) Dean, do you know this fool?
Matt
Hold it! Nobody tell me! This must be our special person!
Sonya
You must be joking.
Matt
Do I look like the kind who would clown around?
Sonya
You better back away, mister!
Matt
Just relax, time to unveil something truly magnificent.
Sonya
Dean, forget about Jack. Kill the monkey.
Matt
Dean, is it? What a wonderful name that is! Will you be my special helper?
(Winks at Dean)
Dean
Sure, buddy who I never-met-before-in-life.
Matt
Fantastic! I need you to lend your camera to that sweating man over there (points to Jack).
Dean
(gritting teeth). Okay, but why?
Matt
So that he can take a photo of the big surprise, silly.
Sonya
Why are you listening to the clown, Dean?
Dean
(realizing) Don’t you recognize him, baby? He was in the paper, toughest guy in town-super dangerous.
Matt
(softly) Roar.
Sonya
Give me that gun, Dean. I’ll finish the job myself.
(no response)
Hand over the glock!
Matt
Don’t forget that you are my special helper! I will only tell you to do things in your best interest.
(He winks at Dean)
Dean
Damn.
(Dean tosses the camera to Jack.)
Matt
Count to five camera guy and the snap. I’ll give you a banana if you play along.
Jack
FIVE.
Sonya
Dean, I thought we had something special.
Jack
FOUR.
Dean
Don’t worry, baby. This ain’t gonna affect our relationship.
Jack
THREE.
Sonya
That’s what you think.
Jack
TWO.
Dean
(afraid) Nice knowing you my love.
Jack
ONE!
Matt
Surprise, surprise!
(He tickles Sonya for several beats while Jack takes many photos).
Ah! I hope that it was as good for you as it was for me!
(Jack and Sonya run away with Dean’s camera. There is a long pause).
Dean
(breathless) Am I dreaming or something?
(BLACKOUT)
(Lights up on Dean and Matt sitting at the bar, both dressed in monkey suits).
Dean
Hello, Mr. Bartender. Thank you so much for serving our drinks with extraordinary customer care.
Matt
Yeah, thanks for the quick speed and sparkling whiskey glasses.
Dean
Thanks a million-here’s a tip.
(hands bartender a ten dollar bill)
Jack
You’re too kind. Did you gentlemen read the newspaper today?
Dean
Absolutely, they caught some lunatic running around pulling off heist in a monkey costume. He clearly wasn’t tame like my friend and I here.
Jack
Certainly. Crazy world we live in.
Matt
Oh what a world, sir.
Jack
The name’s Jack. Call me Jack.
Dean
Pardon me, Jack. But this drink is pink. I didn’t order a pink drink.
Jack
Ah, it belongs to my wife. She is sitting over there (points). It’s a little trick we do. I’m sure the other members of your company would be familiar. I’ll explain later.
Matt
Oh, no need. I think we understand.
(Lights up on Sonya stage right).
Dean
You’re one lucky bartender, Jack. You take care of that little lady, see. You take care of her.
(BLACKOUT)
