As a journalist who often reviews stand-up, I like to keep my distance from comedians. There are few things as awkward as being introduced to someone you have been publicly scathing about. In fact the only time I have broken my own rule about fraternising with the other side was when I received an email from Alex Horne in 2010 asking if I would like to appear in his new stage show…
The show he was planning to take to the Edinburgh Fringe was something he was working on called “The Taskmaster”. While it went against every journalistic principle to cross the performance divide I couldn’t resist. It just sounded so unusual.
This was long before the unique game show, which is now back for Taskmaster season 18 on Channel 4, became a global sensation. It was just the latest idiosyncratic outing from Horne, who had previously done themed shows about learning Latin and inventing new words.
But it was soon clear that this was different. It presented comedians in a completely new context, but one which foregrounded their quick-thinking, original comic brains and gave them a chance to go off-piste in a way stand-up never could.
The format was essentially the same at the TV version, which started on Dave before moving to Channel 4, except that it lasted for a year. Each month, running up to the one-off public finale when the results were revealed at the Fringe, ten competitors would be set a task via email. We were all working separately so couldn’t compare notes or see what the others were concocting.
The other nine contestants were Dan Atkinson, Henning Wehn, Joe Wilkinson, Josie Long, Lloyd Langford, Mark Watson, Steve Hall, Stuart Goldsmith and Tim Key. Some have gone to appear in the television version. Horne’s friend Key, best known these days as Alan Partridge’s fall guy Sidekick Simon, appeared in the very first series in 2015.
Another of my rivals, Joe Wilkinson, famously won a challenge in the 2016 series by lobbing a potato directly into a golf hole, only to be disqualified by the TV incarnation’s judge and jury Greg Davies for having a toe very slightly over the line when he took the shot.
The experience stretched my inventiveness to breaking point. I was no match for those full-time clowns. One task was to “Make a copy of Alex”. I thought I’d cracked it when I noticed his head was oval. I stuck fuzzy felt hair and beard on a hard-boiled egg and posted it to him. But Tim Key hired an Alex Horne lookalike who was carried onto the stage, while Dan Atkinson crafted a likeness in clay, complete with a short film in tribute to Lionel Richie’s “Hello” video.
At one point I did wonder if I had given Horne a bad review and he had invented the concept purely to have his revenge on me. In the depths of winter I received my usual monthly email — the challenge was to be the first person to stand in the sea holding that day’s newspaper.
Dare I risk hypothermia? Nerves got the better of me. But in May I received another message saying nobody had completed this task and maximum points were still available. On a holiday in Dorset, I took the plunge. In Edinburgh, on results night I discovered I was the only person given this challenge. Horne presumably didn’t want to kill any fellow comics.
Other challenges were more fun. We were asked the “Cheer Up Comedian Mark Olver”. I found out via Google Mark’s favourite artisan burger. I bought one in London, took a train to Bath where he was compering at the Komedia club and presented it to him. It was cold by then but I still got points for being enterprising.
I was less good at drinking a pint of rainwater — this probably wouldn’t be allowed on TV for health and safety reasons. And my attempt to invest £10 and make the most money is technically still winnable – I bet on one of David Beckham’s children playing for England.
I did have some successes. During one month we had to get someone famous to say “Alex Horne you are a marvellous person.” I used my showbiz connections to get a signed photo of Andy Murray with those extra words written on it. I think Horne kept the picture. I hope he didn’t sell it on eBay. Â
And when we were asked to send Alex “something expensive” my £20 family goblets and a bag of mini gems sweets beat Henning Wehn’s World Cup puzzle (50p) and Joe Wilkinson’s VHS of Con Air (£9.99). But the long-suffering member of auction house Christie’s valued Josie Long’s idea for a TV programme presented by a pre-PM Boris Johnson called Bojo’s Dojo at £199 so I was foiled again.
If there was one fault to Horne’s format back then it was the lack of diversity. Long was the only female contestant, but when the points were totted up she was the joint leader with Stuart Goldsmith while I languished in a semi-respectable seventh place.
There was no alternative but a sudden death play-off. You have never lived until you’ve seen two comedians trying to cram as many grapes as possible into their mouths. Josie won with 18 grapes although Goldsmith claims to this day that a rogue grape got lodged in his throat and made him choke. Pipped at the post, you might say.
Long may have been victorious on the night but it later emerged that the episode had been filmed and helped Horne to pitch the show to TV. So I guess Alex Horne was the real winner. As for me, I slipped into the night with a sliver of dignity still intact and returned to critiquing comedians rather than competing with them
Taskmaster is on Thursdays from September 12 at 9 pm on Channel 4.
