DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my mother developed a small nagging cough, and her overall health started to decline. She entered the hospital on a Monday and by the end of the week, she had passed away from a very aggressive form of lung cancer. We were very close, and I was devastated.
I prepared the obituary and also posted an announcement on Facebook. For days, I heard from friends and family offering condolences. But I never heard a word from my husband’s niece and nephew. My husband’s sister and her husband (their parents) came to the funeral, even though the family lives in a state distant from ours.
I thought we were close to this niece and nephew. They each have children of their own, so they are neither young nor immature. I have been filled with resentment since then. I love them, which is why it hurts so much. I thought we were closer than that.
How can I get past this? I miss my dear mother and the advice and love she provided. After the funeral, I talked to my husband about how brokenhearted I feel. He is a practical person and said I should move on. Is he right? — STILL HURTING IN ALABAMA
DEAR STILL HURTING: Please allow me to offer my sympathy for the loss of your mother, who obviously lives on in your heart. I don’t know whether she would have said this to you, but I don’t think she would have wanted you to harbor resentment.
Sometimes, people keep silent because they don’t know how to express their feelings or are afraid they might say the wrong thing. I don’t know why your younger relatives didn’t reach out to offer condolences upon your mother’s passing, but this may have been the reason. Practicing forgiveness would be healthier than nursing the resentment you are feeling now.
DEAR ABBY: How can I plan and enjoy holidays at my home with my three adult children? One daughter and her husband always find ways to hold imaginary grudges against our other two daughters. This daughter claims to be always left out, yet she never reaches out to her sisters or even to me and her dad. She and her husband fabricate things that aren’t true and stop communicating with everyone. We are always left in the dark.
This has been going on during her entire married life. My husband and I have health issues and no longer want to deal with her childish drama. We would like to have all of us together for holiday get-togethers but can’t because of their hard feelings over imaginary slights. — DISCOURAGED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISCOURAGED: If this has been going on ever since your daughter married her husband, he may be the one stirring the pot. It’s a shame because what he’s really doing is isolating her. I am sorry you didn’t mention how you handle these temporary estrangements. My advice is to be your warm, friendly self. Continue inviting your daughter to these family get-togethers. If she shows up, great. If she doesn’t, celebrate without her, which might be easier considering the tension she brings with her.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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