It doesn’t take much to get a man to start thinking about sex. (Let’s be real: Most men can get erect looking at a particularly plump tomato.) But it’s a little more complicated for women.
Scientifically speaking, certain critical switches must be triggered before your partner’s brain orders the release of vasoactive intestinal peptide, the chemical that increases blood flow to the pelvic area, swelling her inner and outer labia and causing her to feel the gnawing tension of sexual desire. Though the intricacies of brain chemistry may be difficult to grasp without a medical degree, there are still plenty of easy, everyday things you can do to get the requisite juices flowing.
There are two overarching components to turning your partner on. The first is to start outside of the bedroom. When you give yourself an entire day to turn your partner on, as opposed to 15 minutes with your clothes off, you have a much better chance that your partner will be in the mood. Thus, throughout the day, help your partner feel loved, desired, and sexy, and she’ll be reared up and ready to go the moment you two set foot in the bedroom.
The second thing is to focus on intimacy and emotional connection. Sex isn’t all about the physical aspects, especially when you’re in a longterm, committed relationship with your partner. Feeling connected, loved, and desired all impact if she’ll get turned on and if your partner will want to have sex with you.
So, here are 16 ways to emotionally connect with your partner and turn her on both inside and outside the boudoir.
1. Hold hands.
There are over 40,000 nerve endings in the palm of your partner’s hand. Don’t be afraid to gently take hold of it as you’re walking across the street or watching a movie. Besides, hand holding is objectively adorable. It’s a subtle form of PDA that shows you really do love your partner, and you’re not afraid who else sees.
2. Gaze into each other’s eyes.
“Eye gazing can be very sensual and is a great way to increase arousal,” says sex and relationship expert Shamyra Howard, LCSW. Choose a time when you both are feeling relaxed. Then take two minutes to stare into each other’s eyes without talking. Go ahead and discuss the experience afterwards. “Allow yourselves to be vulnerable, accept the awkwardness you might feel, laugh, and return to each other’s eyes.” Eye gazing is actually a fundamental component of tantric sex because it’s such a powerful and effective way to enhance intimacy.
3. Hug.
“People often mention that they would like more physical affection from their partner that doesn’t include sex,” Howard explains. Next time you’re with your partner, share a hug for twenty seconds. “Hugs are soothing, increase connection, and they don’t have to lead to sex,” she says. The point is to show how much you desire your partner outside of a sexual setting, which, ironically, will be a turn on for your partner to have more sex!
4. Give a massage.
Using your own hands to give your partner an erotic massage—i.e., a massage that releases tension and turns her on—won’t hurt your cause, either. Check out our guide to mastering the art of erotic massage. You can thank us later.
5. Send flirty texts throughout the day.
Instead of trying to turn her on over the course of a few minutes, turn her on slowly throughout the day. You know your partner better than anyone, so hopefully you have a sense of how overtly sexual you should be, but if you aren’t 100% confident, start off with cute, innocuous texts like, “Can’t wait for you to come home tonight.” Over the course of the day, let the conversation naturally evolve to a more sexual level: “It’s going to be so sexy having your naked body next to mine”—or something along those lines.
6. Water is a good thing.
Take a stroll along a beach, a lake, or a river. Sit next to a birdbath. Fill up the tub. Studies show that simply being in the proximity of water creates a relaxing effect that may clam any libido-killing jitters. It’s probably not a coincidence that commercials for erectile dysfunction medication feature so many shots of couples walking down the coast or gazing out at the ocean.
7. Seek thrills.
Activities that produce adrenaline make us hyperaware. Breathing quickens and the heart begins to race, things that are also associated with sexual arousal. Roller coasters, zip lines, and scary movies can all be a turn-on. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology even found that couples who participated in such novel activities experienced greater overall relationship quality, which of course translates into the bedroom. Just make sure both you can hold your lunch down before strapping into anything extreme.
8. Break out a cucumber… in the kitchen.
Certain scents trigger sexual arousal, but which scents do the trick can differ for men and women, according to research conducted by Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, Illinois. What aromas turn women on? Hirsch found that cucumber and licorice lead to increased vaginal blood flow.
9. Feed her fantasies.
According to a report in the Journal of Sex Research, women think about sex an average of 19 times a day. According to a Men’s Health survey, one in three women have in mind something they’ve been dying to try in bed but are scared to bring up when things start to get hot under the covers. There are plenty of ways to let your partner know you’re open to indulging her fantasies. Watch porn together. Gift her a book of erotic stories. You could also—and this may sound crazy—just ask her if there’s anything adventurous she’s been itching to try in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to communicate.
10. Dim the lights.
There’s no physiological response—at least sexually—to low light, but according to sex researcher and author Ian Kerner, Ph.D., turning down the lights can make people feel less self-conscious, and thus more relaxed. Putting that dimmer switch to good use is a no-brainer.
11. Get sweaty.
Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that physical activity is able to prime a person’s body for sexual activity. It makes the body more sensitive to touch by revving up a network of neurons known as the sympathetic nervous system, which controls arousal. Go for a run, take a bike ride, hit the gym. Activity outside can lead to activity in the bedroom. Just ask power couple CJ Koegel, a fitness model, trainer, and inventor, and Bree Branker, a former Broadway dancer and Akins Army trainer.
12. Pick up a mop.
According to the Journal of Family Issues, couples that clean together report more relationship satisfaction. The study’s author, Adam Galovan, Ph.D., says that women can equate your level of interest in helping out around the house with your level of interest in them.
13. Schedule a sex fast.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. By that same token, abstinence can make the sex grow stronger. Experts say that taking a short-term break from all forms of sex —including masturbation—can help both you and your partner rediscover the thrill of the chase.
14. Get some sleep.
A study conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan found that a good night’s sleep can boost a woman’s libido. After participants tracked their sleep and sex drives for two weeks, the study concluded that for women who are in a relationship, an extra hour of sleep increased their desire for sex the next day by 14 percent. “The driving force could be biological,” says study author David Kalmbach, Ph.D. “Some prior research has shown that sleep increases sex hormones, which can influence feelings of sexual desire.”
15. Watch a romantic movie.
Research from the Netherlands suggests that romantic movies can heighten arousal in women, which isn’t necessarily the case for me. According to the study’s author, Marieke Dewitte, Ph.D., women’s sexual motivation can tend to stem from relationship-based content rather than from scenes that are overtly sexual, which are what tend to get men revved up.
16. Draft a wish list.
A University of Brunswick study revealed that after 15 years together, couples said they only knew about 26 percent of what their partner disliked. This doesn’t need to be the case. Pour a glass of wine, grab a pen and paper, and start talking. A “yes, no, maybe” list for the bedroom is a surefire way to foster a sense of comfort and understanding, which will lead to better sex.
