I’ll admit it. I was waiting for one character to ask another what day it was and for them to offhandedly reply, “It’s St. Bartholomew’s Day.” I wanted my moment of hacky dramatic irony; I don’t care if it would be bad writing. Instead, the episode is bafflingly titled “All Saints Day,” like that’s going to throw us off the scent. There is literally one big thing Catherine de’ Medici is known for, and this is it! The murdering of all the people on St. Bartholomew’s Day!
If you want to know who St. Bartholomew was and what he looked like, according to Rubens, you can find an unflattering portrait of him on Wikipedia. He apparently was martyred in Azerbaijan, which is an interesting tidbit. Also connected with his martyrdom site is the “Legend of the Fire-Color-Haired Virgin Girl Savior,” so you’re obviously going to want to check that out. He does, however, have literally nothing to do with our season finale, so we have to move on.
So many things happened in this episode that they had to make it fifteen minutes longer than all the others. We begin with Margot running into her room, screaming and smashing things because Catherine is making her marry Henry, the son of Jeanne of Navarre, when Margot wants to do one thing and that’s bang François de Guise. Charles, who, you will remember, has some unnatural feelings for Margot, promises her she will not have to marry Henry. Foolish, Charles! Your promises shall come to naught!
Okay, but imagine having a mother like Catherine and trying to determine literally any part of your life, only to constantly find that she has planned five to ten steps ahead of you, and instead, you’ll be marrying the future king of Navarre, no matter what you try to do. That would be very frustrating, especially for someone (like me) who does not know where Navarre is.
Everyone is in a tizzy about Margot’s marriage, because marrying Henry is supposed to appease Edith the Protestant Leader and stop her from burning down France, so a lot is riding on this. However, that would put the Catholics out of power, and the Catholic League is mad, as is Antoinette de Guise. She tells François his new assignment is to sex up Margot so her honor will be sullied, and then François can marry her instead of Henry. “She’ll be a social pariah, but she’ll have more time for her books,” Antoinette tells him. Is that how you got more time with your books back then? François does not want to do this, but Antoinette basically says she’ll throw his brother, the Protestant convert cardinal, to the Catholic League if François doesn’t go along with it.
The mistake everyone makes is assuming that Catherine doesn’t already know all about their plans, which is a very satisfying mistake for the viewer. Someone else is in control, and we know all about it! You can try your sullied virtue card, Guises, but Catherine has a +1,000 attack card ready to counter it. (Or however those kinds of card games work.)
So François and Margot bang, and Margot is pretty hyped about the situation, but Catherine tells Charles about it so he’ll walk in on them and make Margot marry Henry, which is exactly what happens! The fly in the ointment is Jeanne of Navarre, who isn’t supportive of the marriage and wants a full examination done on Margot to ensure she’s a virgin. Those don’t even work, and virginity is a made-up concept, but okay. Catherine says sure, then sends Jeanne into town to be murdered by Angelica via some poisoned gloves. Poisoned gloves that seemed glued on?? This was truly a Fear Street way to die.
Now Jeanne is conveniently dead, and even though the Bourbon brothers both say Catherine did it, she gets away with it and invites Edith to the wedding. The big incentive for Edith is that Catherine will sign over the regency to her, a move I still do not understand but do not need to. Charles needs to sign off on this as well, which Catherine promises he will, post-wedding. Catherine keeps inviting people who have wronged her to the wedding banquet, which is how you know some shit’s gonna go down. And by “people,” I mean Alessandro.
Alessandro and Rahima are ready to run away together to Florida (okay). Rahima does the whole “I have a bad feeling about this” thing, which Alessandro shrugs off, which you should NEVER SHRUG OFF. Leia said it, and it turned out they were inside a giant spaceworm. This murder banquet is your space worm, Alessandro! But he doesn’t listen because they never do. Rahima also says she has something to tell him, but she doesn’t get to, which is how you immediately know she’s pregnant. Damnit, Rahima. I really wanted better things for your storyline than “sidelined the whole season and then pregnant with the baby of a man whose goal is to move to Florida.”
The Bourbons also have a bad feeling about this; they trust theirs slightly more. I mean, they don’t do anything about it, but they both are like, “hm, yes, very fishy.” In the meantime, though, they’re busy giving Henry marriage advice about things like how women can’t be trusted and will “lure you in with their fragrant ways.” Henry ends up telling his dad that Henry doesn’t really feel things, so he’s not concerned about himself. That’s a real optimistic view, Henry.
The marriage happens; Henry lies about the consummation to spare Margot, which she appreciates. It doesn’t really tally with his “doesn’t really feel things” thing, unless I’m misunderstanding how that works. Montmorency asks Catherine to run away with him, which is Class A delusional behavior, and she tells him to meet her in the courtyard after the banquet.
So now we’re at the banquet. We know something’s going to go down, but are not sure what. It’s all got a real Red Wedding vibe. Angelica locks Rahima in her room to keep her out of the way, and Anjou and his friends are waiting with weapons until 10 o’clock. Catherine, Charles, and Edith preside over the feast, which the newlyweds are skipping because Margot is mad at everyone for forcing her to get married. Which is fair. Edith asks Catherine about the regency becoming hers, and Catherine tells her it is time for Edith to get what she came for. This would sound dumb, like very, “Oh, you will get your … reward,” but Catherine follows it up by grabbing what looks like the dullest knife in the palace and super casually cutting Edith’s throat; then she calmly walks out as Anjou and his men enter the room.
It’s done so quickly! So undramatically! People in the room don’t even realize that it happened. But the large group of masked men with swords tips them off that something is amiss, and everyone starts panicking as the men and Rahima’s ladies begin stabbing people. I like the one woman whose face is like, “Oh shit, we started?” and then she immediately stabs the person she’s with. I’m just saying, if there’s one relatable murderer in this scene, she’s the one. All the stabbers say, “The House of Guise says hello,” as they kill people, except for Ruggieri, who stabs Alessandro and tells him it’s a gift from his queen. Damn, Catherine. Meanwhile, Montmorency is waiting in the courtyard and, of course, gets stabbed by Angelica.
Anjou and his men try to kill Henry, but Margot prevents them. She tells Catherine that she wants Henry to live, and Catherine says, okay, fine, but warns Margot that Henry is smarter than he seems. Charles (still alive!) is shocked about the events, but Catherine tells him that he has to make a decision. When Edith’s followers wake up, they’ll storm the palace and kill all of them. Or there is option B, which Charles chooses! This is where everyone is murdered in their beds. So the following morning, tons of dead Protestants all over Paris.
Catherine visits Rahima, and there’s some back and forth about how Rahima will make her child know what Catherine did, etc. This is really beneath you, Rahima. Catherine lets her live because, at the end of the day, she likes Rahima. The monarchy is currently secure because Catherine spreads the story that the Guises conspired with the Catholic League to overthrow the king, and they had all the Protestants killed. So now the Catholic League is also out of the way.
We end with Rahima swearing revenge on Catherine, the cardinal swearing revenge on Catherine, the Bourbons magically still being alive (!!), and foreshadowing of an Anjou reign in the next season. Are we getting a next season?? What will they even do now that The Big Event is over? What if they continue with their departure from historical fact and just go completely off the rails, like Catherine has France invade Russia and they somehow win and she becomes the Serpent Empress? Just a thought.